to make the sex better
I recently a read a Q&A in which a woman describes struggling with dating a "nice guy." Everything is going well until they have sex — it's bad. I thought it was a shame that a relationship that seemed to be heading in the right direction could be derailed by problems in the bedroom. I'm not going to argue that sex can't destroy a relationship, but I think, sometimes, bad sex can get better.
Couples can overcome physical challenges. In the beginning, it's tough to know what your partner enjoys. So, being "off rhythm," touching the wrong spots, trying the wrong , or being a poor kisser can be fixed. Physically, you can coach each other on your likes and dislikes. After a while, you'll know what to do, and how long to do it. With work, communication, and honesty, bad sex based on physical issues can be improved.
But if it's a mental disconnect that's making sex unsatisfying, it's tougher to fix. A friend of mine once told me that sex with her boyfriend was so boring, she used to count the tiles in his bedroom ceiling during the act. For a good mental sexual connection, there needs to be some lust involved. In a long-term relationship, lust is rooted in the chemistry you share with your partner. It has to occur naturally — it can't be taught or intensified through conversation. Just like any other activity, sex won't be amazing every time. You're both have off days. So, don't jump to conclusions after a few bad encounters.
Finally, there is a spiritual connection that can happen during sex. This type of connection, or lack or connection, is tough to change or improve. There are many reasons that one may not be satisfied spiritually during sex. It all has to do with that person's core beliefs. A man who is gay, but hasn't been with another man yet, will not spiritually enjoy sex with women. People who have monogamous sex when they secretly long for multiple partners will not be spiritually satisfied. Conversely, people who are having casual sex, when they actually want a long term relationship, will feel empty. Satisfying your spiritual side sexually requires knowing what you want and working to fulfill that desire.
In my opinion, only one type of sexual "issue" can be fixed. If you're mentally or spiritually unsatisfied, you might have to think about whether you're with the right person.
Do you agree with my point of view? What are your thoughts? Can bad sex be improved more often than not?
Couples can overcome physical challenges. In the beginning, it's tough to know what your partner enjoys. So, being "off rhythm," touching the wrong spots, trying the wrong , or being a poor kisser can be fixed. Physically, you can coach each other on your likes and dislikes. After a while, you'll know what to do, and how long to do it. With work, communication, and honesty, bad sex based on physical issues can be improved.
But if it's a mental disconnect that's making sex unsatisfying, it's tougher to fix. A friend of mine once told me that sex with her boyfriend was so boring, she used to count the tiles in his bedroom ceiling during the act. For a good mental sexual connection, there needs to be some lust involved. In a long-term relationship, lust is rooted in the chemistry you share with your partner. It has to occur naturally — it can't be taught or intensified through conversation. Just like any other activity, sex won't be amazing every time. You're both have off days. So, don't jump to conclusions after a few bad encounters.
Finally, there is a spiritual connection that can happen during sex. This type of connection, or lack or connection, is tough to change or improve. There are many reasons that one may not be satisfied spiritually during sex. It all has to do with that person's core beliefs. A man who is gay, but hasn't been with another man yet, will not spiritually enjoy sex with women. People who have monogamous sex when they secretly long for multiple partners will not be spiritually satisfied. Conversely, people who are having casual sex, when they actually want a long term relationship, will feel empty. Satisfying your spiritual side sexually requires knowing what you want and working to fulfill that desire.
In my opinion, only one type of sexual "issue" can be fixed. If you're mentally or spiritually unsatisfied, you might have to think about whether you're with the right person.
Do you agree with my point of view? What are your thoughts? Can bad sex be improved more often than not?
the Sex Diaries
the Sex Diaries
It began with the hedge fund guy who crossed state lines
for sex. When I read his sex diary, my
expectations were low; they sunk
to a nadir when I opened the e-mail introducing his submission
I am a loyal reader, and this diary combines a decent week sexually with an insight into a complex psyche, if I say so myself
A self-centered finance guy. Joy. Men like him were the downside of my side job: assigning and editing sex diaries—accounts of everything that happened in a week in an anonymous New Yorker's private life—for the Sex Diaries hub on New York magazine's website. Compared to my other jobs, writing for publications like The New York Times and Popular Science, this was the candy
A self-centered finance guy. Joy. Men like him were the downside of my side job: assigning and editing sex diaries—accounts of everything that happened in a week in an anonymous New Yorker's private life—for the Sex Diaries hub on New York magazine's website. Compared to my other jobs, writing for publications like The New York Times and Popular Science, this was the candy
His
was the 150th diary I'd read; the other 110 or so were by women in my
demographic: late twenties, child-free, with the time and inclination to
respond to my ads seeking diarists, usually spending a week hanging off
various Manhattan and Brooklyn chandeliers, often fueled by a
combination of alcohol, cocaine, and breakup. Their diaries made for
great vicarious reading of lives I didn't want. I was serious about
making it in New York, and that didn't include chandeliers and coke
The
finance guys were also all the same: pre-dawn CNBC market check, job,
home, porn, sexting with women, not enough sleep—all of which they found
fascinating. I set my egg timer, preparing to rush through his diary
Overnight
bag packed. I dash to the West 4th Street station to catch the train to
JFK. I am on one of my swinging adventures to participate in an MFM
threesome.
Well. Here was a twist—with a bang. He called in
sick and flew to a flyover state, where he drove to a TGI Friday's, met a
man and woman for drinks, followed by hotel sex, all filmed for
posterity. The next day he caught a 6 a.m. flight back home.
My
modus operandi is simple. Exchange recent pics of him and her [on Adult
Friend Finder]. Talk on the phone. Set a date. Fly. Fuck like mad.
Return to NYC. When it works, it is a very efficient way to get hot,
no-strings-attached sex
When my egg timer dinged, I kept reading. He was a jackass
I
told my shrink that I think I am a misogynist. She tells me I should
listen to women more.... And I tell myself that I make too much money,
look too good, and work too damn hard for this shit
Yet his approach–direct and practical, getting what he wanted out of the world–stopped me. Creating precise sexual encounters had never occurred to me as an option. I dated to find a partner, and the sex was sort of haphazard, what happened when the friends-of-friends connections, social schedules, and my period all cooperated. I'd never thought of overtly planning for sex. But of course it makes sense to arrange it directly, rather than hoping three dinner dates would lead where I wanted. He appealed, I think, to my desire for hyperorganization and self-determination. I read his diary and thought, I could do this
Yet his approach–direct and practical, getting what he wanted out of the world–stopped me. Creating precise sexual encounters had never occurred to me as an option. I dated to find a partner, and the sex was sort of haphazard, what happened when the friends-of-friends connections, social schedules, and my period all cooperated. I'd never thought of overtly planning for sex. But of course it makes sense to arrange it directly, rather than hoping three dinner dates would lead where I wanted. He appealed, I think, to my desire for hyperorganization and self-determination. I read his diary and thought, I could do this
What this was,
I still had no idea. I had no desire to arrange sex dates with unknown
couples in flyover states. I published his diary and went on a spree of
commissioning others that were far from my own experience: BDSM, kink,
and a lot of gay men. His was my first inkling that I might learn
When it comes to our
private lives, we're all on our own paths. And it's really helpful to
peek at other paths. The person and the path can be wildly divergent;
the person can be offensively different from you, but his or her path
similar. When you see a path you want to be on, you perk up. It stirs
you
My own path had recently slid into a ditch, leaving me
sweeping up after yet another failed relationship. He was nice; I was
nice. Our breakup conversation: him telling me it was over; me being
cordial about it. Therein lay the problem. I was nice to the world. I
had never actually asked the world for what I wanted. Thus I received a
big, cordial pile of eh back
Around this time a diary
appeared in my inbox from a 42-year-old Chicago father, an executive at a
well-known company. He was affable, mainstream, and in a deeply
fulfilling, open 10-year-relationship with his gay partner. On the third
day of his diary, he took his daughter to Wiggleworms class and then
hopped a plane for a business trip. That night he wrote from Manhattan
10:30
P.M.: Having a couple drinks with a friend I get together with when in
New York. We actually met online abroad, when we were both there for
work, and screwed around. More than that though, it is cool to have
someone to hang out with. We often see each other without having sex,
but sometimes we do [have sex]. When I'm away from home for a few days,
it's a way of making emotional connections
By then I'd read
numerous diaries, countless magazines, piles of Russian literature, and
much of my university's stacks on sex and relationships. Yet those
sentences made more sense than anything I'd ever read. Of course it would be nice to have a dear friend with whom to occasionally have sexy times, and occasionally have friend times. Of course it
would be particularly nice when traveling. Duh. Reading diaries had
softened me up to the options, but I still didn't know you could just do that,
and that your committed, long-term partner might agree to it, making
the arrangement different from the standard fuckbuddy or fling. Here was
a man who'd successfully created the existence he wanted for himself:
employment, fun, children, committed partnership, long-term
friends/lovers. There were no secrets, and no rules
I stared at
my box of a studio apartment. I'd been certain that I was a no-rules
woman: living on my own, dating whomever I pleased, and generally
flaunting my lifestyle of flying around the world on assignments and
refusing to get a full-time job. Yet my definition of dating—find a
person whom I might marry and spend the rest of my life with—was
limiting. Anyway, it wasn't working: I wanted a serious boyfriend and
didn't have one
Selena Gomez Covers ELLE 2012
Selena Gomez Covers ELLE 2012
.jpg "Selena Gomez Covers ELLE July 2012")
Selena Gomez garnered herself a little added exposure by covering the July 2012 issue of ELLE magazine.
The 19-year-old singer/actress is clad in a Balmain embroidered lambskin top with a Mugler Viscose skirt on a bright yellow backdrop for the Carter Smith shot front page while talking about topics including Hollywood, fashion and Justin Bieber.
.jpg "Selena-Gomez-Covers-ELLE-July-2012")
.jpg "Selena-Gomez-Covers-ELLE-July-2012")
.jpg "Selena-Gomez-Covers-ELLE-July-2012")
.jpg "Selena Gomez Covers ELLE July 2012")
.jpg "Selena-Gomez-Covers-ELLE-July-2012")
.jpg "Selena-Gomez-Covers-ELLE-July-2012")
.jpg "Selena-Gomez-Covers-ELLE-July-2012")
